Chapter Four.
- Monika Radziejowska
- Jul 7
- 3 min read
The Quiet Way Women Learn to Leave Themselves
Exploring the subtle ways self-abandonment develops and how we begin coming home.
I don’t think most women wake up one morning and decide to abandon themselves.
I think it happens so gradually that we barely notice it’s happening.
It begins with small moments.
Being the “good girl.”
Keeping the peace.
Not wanting to disappoint anyone.
Saying yes when we mean no.
Smiling when something hurts.
Making ourselves smaller so someone else can feel more comfortable.
Slowly, almost invisibly, we begin learning an important lesson:
Connection comes first.
My needs can wait.
Over time, that lesson becomes so familiar that it no longer feels like a choice.
It simply feels like who we are.
The Pattern I Didn’t See
For years, I thought I struggled with motivation.
With consistency.
With discipline.
I couldn’t understand why I found it so difficult to maintain the habits that made me feel grounded.
Then one ordinary morning, lying beside my boyfriend, I noticed something.
Nothing was wrong.
There was no conflict.
No argument.
No criticism.
Yet before I’d even gotten out of bed, I’d already adjusted myself.
I’d let go of the quiet morning I needed.
I’d abandoned the rituals that helped me feel connected.
I’d shaped myself around what I assumed the morning should look like.
It happened automatically.
And that’s when I realised something that changed me:
I wasn’t just abandoning my morning.
I was abandoning myself.
Not because anyone had asked me to.
Because my nervous system had become so familiar with putting myself second that it no longer questioned it.
Why So Many Women Recognise This
Psychologists have long observed that many girls are encouraged to be agreeable, helpful and emotionally attuned to others from a young age. These qualities are valuable, but when they’re never balanced with learning to recognise and express our own needs, something else can quietly develop.
We become experts at reading everyone else’s emotional landscape.
And strangers to our own.
Eventually, we don’t even notice when we’re tired.
Hungry.
Overwhelmed.
Resentful.
Lonely.
Or longing for a few quiet moments to ourselves.
We’ve become so skilled at caring for everyone else that we stop asking one simple question:
“What do I need?”
Self-Abandonment Doesn’t Always Look Dramatic
When people hear the phrase self-abandonment, they often imagine something huge.
Leaving a dream.
Staying in the wrong relationship.
Ignoring major red flags.
Sometimes it looks like that.
But more often, it looks like everyday moments.
Laughing when you actually feel hurt.
Agreeing when your body is saying no.
Skipping your morning because someone else’s routine feels more important.
Eating because everyone else is eating, even though you’re not hungry.
Apologising for having needs.
Calling yourself “too much.”
Or convincing yourself that you’ll take care of yourself after everyone else is okay.
These moments seem small.
But our nervous system experiences them as evidence.
Evidence that our needs are negotiable.
Evidence that belonging requires self-sacrifice.
Evidence that we are safest when we disappear a little.
Coming Home to Yourself
The beautiful thing is that patterns can change.
Not through guilt.
Not through becoming more selfish.
But through becoming more honest.
Healing doesn’t ask us to stop loving other people.
It asks us to stop leaving ourselves while we do.
Sometimes that looks like asking for ten quiet minutes in the morning.
Sometimes it’s saying no without explaining yourself.
Sometimes it’s resting.
Sometimes it’s speaking a truth you’ve swallowed for years.
Every one of those moments teaches your nervous system something new:
“I can stay connected to myself and still stay connected to others.”
That is where real safety begins.
Perhaps coming home to yourself isn’t one grand decision.
Perhaps it’s the quiet practice of choosing not to leave yourself in the ordinary moments of everyday life.
And maybe that’s one of the bravest things any of us can learn to do.
A Gentle Reflection
Take a moment to think about today.
Not the big decisions.
The small ones.
Where did you automatically put yourself second?
Where did you silence your own needs?
And where, even for a brief moment, did you choose to stay with yourself?
Healing often begins there—not in perfection, but in noticing.
Reflections from the InsideOut is a space where lived experience, science and gentle curiosity come together. My hope is that these reflections help you recognise yourself with compassion and discover that the journey back to yourself doesn’t begin with becoming someone new. It begins by choosing not to leave yourself behind.
Continue the Journey
If this reflection resonated with you, you might also enjoy:
Who Are You Without The Story You Keep Telling Yourself?
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